The Ghost Of My Old Ideals

For years, every Christmas I would drag my kids, now adults, to see the play, A Christmas Carol. I just love the story…I would marvel at the three different ghosts that would come to the past present and the future. I think there is something in all of us that treasures a redemption story. Especially, when it’s our own. We are all curators of our past, unfolding our own origin stories. 
The ghost of my old ideals hit me this past Memorial Day weekend where I found myself invited to a barbeque and music in an old mining town I had been visiting for years. I even had my wedding reception there over twenty years ago, although the marriage was short lived, the building still stands strong and its simple beauty from the 1800’s shines with the same antiques and artwork that I remember now over thirty years ago. As I looked around, I couldn’t help but feel the walls mocking me, and feeling so damn insignificant. That we are all just here for a moment.
There in the empty room, perched like an eagle, I contemplated the whole thing. My soul facing down the shipwreck of the past. Like observing a movie of my life. There were even several characters of the movie there the other day, tense when I first saw them, and then I realized, oh, how perfect. They were not only there to teach me lessons on my journey back then, but to remind me just how far I have come.
Have you ever been somewhere where you once had a past and you realize you were so extremely different then compared to now? Have you looked at how much you have bravely walked through your life since then? Stronger than you thought possible from digging deep during many hard days or even years? To see your strength and your power and how you’ve moved to higher wisdom? To grieve huge significant parts of our lives or people that are gone? All this was going through my head and heart…
But most of all, what I was thinking was this:
What have I learned from the past, how am I different presently and finally, what does my future hold? 
 In my opinion, I think that the future holds the integration of our spiritual lives as seen through the lens of our past and the hard yet beautiful lessons we had to learn. The path of a spiritual life is not glamourous, like it sounds, and not an easy one or for the weak of heart. To see just how much fear and doubt plagued our past decisions, or other people’s perceptions of our choices is a tough pill to swallow. 
But standing there looking around, I realized most of all, in that present moment, to let go of expectations of how I thought my life would be.
I’m not sure what the future holds but I do know that life, with all its twists and turns, that I am still so inspired by it, to be ignited by a life of honesty to myself, and energy to share whatever I can with my short time on this planet.
 When you feel for sure you are breaking, remember just how far you have come and how you have weathered the storm of that past shipwreck. That you will never betray yourself again. That you will be the lighthouse. The rest will work itself out. Engage every cell with dreams, release your sad old story you may carry around and get ready for the most blissful, adventurous life yet to come. 
Keep your ship on a good course always,